It’s been 10 years…

CW: Discussions of r*pe and PTSD

That’s a weird realisation.

It feels like a milestone, or like a huge anniversary.

But it’s literally the decennial of something that irreversibly changed the trajectory of my life, of me as a person, of my entire worldview.

It’s been 10 years since I was raped.

(I mean… it’s happened before and since then as well, but this was the only one I’ve reported and the entire circumstances around it were deeply deeply traumatising).

Also, what are the chances that it’d fall exactly on the 2023 Sexual Assault Awareness Month Day of Action?? The first Tuesday of April – which is April 4th this year. Yesterday.

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Family and intimate partner violence during lockdown

I’ve found myself really upset after seeing more information about the 4 women killed in one fortnight recently, during the current lockdown in NZ.

There have been 8 family violence homicides total since this lockdown began. It’s so scary and upsetting, and I can’t imagine what their family and friends are going through as well.

The thought of being locked down with my abusive ex makes me feel physically sick, and I can’t help but think about anyone out there who could be experiencing that sort of manipulation, fear, and potential violence and feeling like they have nowhere to go.

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Breakdowns and accepting limitations

Ok so I wrote this blog on 16 February 2021. About 3 and a half months ago. I didn’t post it because I actually intended on it ending with a positive spin about how I could accept limitations. But it ended negatively and I felt bad about just putting out fully negative shit that is very self-pitying – even if it’s understandably self-pitying.

Something about it is sort of a really interesting throwback to how deep in denial you can knowingly be and decide… yup I choose denial cos I can’t see anything else.

Welcome to my brain in the middle of a breakdown/PTSD relapse. It was not a fun time.

Accepting my limitations is my least favourite thing to do.

I don’t like to think that there is anything that I can’t do that an average person off the street could.

It just doesn’t sound right.

I feel like I’m a physically, mentally and emotionally capable human so why can’t I do the same shit as my friends. Especially the ones who eat worse, drink more and exercise less… Like wtf, how can they work enough hours to pay their rent and bills and have disposable income and a social life and if I try, I have mental breakdowns and get forced to drop everything to focus on recovery.

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The truth about sexual assault

This is going to be my biggest content warning ever. It triggers me to read this back and I know what it says. I wrote it while having flashbacks so it’s probably more graphic than most things I write.

I also know that things normally sound worse than I realise because I forget some people don’t know my story, plus my perception of my experiences make them become… normal?? So I legit can’t tell if it’s a horror story or I’m just like kinda unlucky.

So, especially for survivors of sexual assault, I don’t necessarily recommend you read this. It isn’t for you, you already know the truth about sexual assault. I love you and I see you and you and I’m sending healing and happy vibes ❤️❤️❤️

For anyone else who decides to read… If you haven’t experienced sexual assault or rape, I’m gonna give you some insight to try help you understand the gravity of it.

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My fake smile isn’t my identity anymore

CW: Mental health, su*cidal ideation, talk of drug addiction, abuse and illness

I had a moment tonight.

It started with a random Instagram tarot reading for Sagittarius folks (don’t judge me) that was alllll too accurate. It was so much so that it reminded me that my problems aren’t individual, they’re so broad that I feel the exact same way as a hundred other people in his comment section.

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There are always good people around

CW: Brief suggestions of suicide

I’ve been in an awful headspace for so long, but I listened to a beautiful podcast by the Black Fluid Poet called “Coincidences” today and it put me in a much better mood.

John S. Blake (the most captivating person I’ve seen and listened to maybe ever) speaks about their experiences of people appearing in their life when they most needed it and saying or giving something that was so needed in that moment. And also being that person for someone else.

It made me reminisce… I enjoy going back over my traumatic memories and remembering all of the wonderful people who were there to pull me through, in all types of ways.

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Coping with medication and treatment changes – the 5 stages of grief

I’ve been diagnosed with Common Variable Immunodeficiency (CVID) for over three years now and I’ve noticed something that no doctors or nurses have ever warned me about.

Something that happens to me so consistently, I’m not really sure why there isn’t, at the very least, a brochure handed to me to help me out when I go through it.

And that is, how bloody hard it is to cope with medication, treatment, or health management changes. Continue reading “Coping with medication and treatment changes – the 5 stages of grief”

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Why the 40 hour work week doesn’t work for me any more

Content warning: Mentions of physical and mental illness and unintentional weight loss

As of next Monday I’m taking my work hours down to 20 hours a week for the foreseeable future.

I’m a 31yo, upbeat, fairly healthy looking woman who works out several times a week, is smart and driven and loves my job.

So why am I cutting down my work hours?

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It’s ok to cry on Christmas day


Content warning: Mention of eating disorders, death, dying, miscarriages, mental and physical illness.

This is a post as much directed toward me as it is written by me for others….

I cried on Christmas day.

It felt rude. It felt ungrateful. It felt like an overreaction. It felt self-pitying. Continue reading “It’s ok to cry on Christmas day”

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