I’ve found myself really upset after seeing more information about the 4 women killed in one fortnight recently, during the current lockdown in NZ.
There have been 8 family violence homicides total since this lockdown began. It’s so scary and upsetting, and I can’t imagine what their family and friends are going through as well.
The thought of being locked down with my abusive ex makes me feel physically sick, and I can’t help but think about anyone out there who could be experiencing that sort of manipulation, fear, and potential violence and feeling like they have nowhere to go.
Continue reading “Family and intimate partner violence during lockdown”
Ok so I wrote this blog on 16 February 2021. About 3 and a half months ago. I didn’t post it because I actually intended on it ending with a positive spin about how I could accept limitations. But it ended negatively and I felt bad about just putting out fully negative shit that is very self-pitying – even if it’s understandably self-pitying.
Something about it is sort of a really interesting throwback to how deep in denial you can knowingly be and decide… yup I choose denial cos I can’t see anything else.
Welcome to my brain in the middle of a breakdown/PTSD relapse. It was not a fun time.
Accepting my limitations is my least favourite thing to do.
I don’t like to
think that there is anything that I can’t do that an average person off the
It just doesn’t
I feel like I’m a
physically, mentally and emotionally capable human so why can’t I do the same
shit as my friends. Especially the ones who eat worse, drink more and exercise
less… Like wtf, how can they work enough hours to pay their rent and bills and have
disposable income and a social life and if I try, I have mental breakdowns and
get forced to drop everything to focus on recovery.
Continue reading “Breakdowns and accepting limitations”
This is going to be my biggest content warning ever. It triggers me to read this back and I know what it says. I wrote it while having flashbacks so it’s probably more graphic than most things I write.
I also know that things normally sound worse than I realise because I forget some people don’t know my story, plus my perception of my experiences make them become… normal?? So I legit can’t tell if it’s a horror story or I’m just like kinda unlucky.
So, especially for survivors of sexual assault, I don’t necessarily recommend you read this. It isn’t for you, you already know the truth about sexual assault. I love you and I see you and you and I’m sending healing and happy vibes ❤️❤️❤️
For anyone else who decides to read… If you haven’t experienced sexual assault or rape, I’m gonna give you some insight to try help you understand the gravity of it.
Continue reading “The truth about sexual assault”
CW: Mental health, su*cidal ideation, talk of drug addiction, abuse and illness
I had a moment tonight.
It started with a random Instagram tarot reading for Sagittarius folks (don’t judge me) that was alllll too accurate. It was so much so that it reminded me that my problems aren’t individual, they’re so broad that I feel the exact same way as a hundred other people in his comment section.
Continue reading “My fake smile isn’t my identity anymore”
CW: Brief suggestions of suicide
I’ve been in an awful headspace for so long, but I listened to a beautiful podcast by the Black Fluid Poet called “Coincidences” today and it put me in a much better mood.
John S. Blake (the most captivating person I’ve seen and listened to maybe ever) speaks about their experiences of people appearing in their life when they most needed it and saying or giving something that was so needed in that moment. And also being that person for someone else.
It made me reminisce… I enjoy going back over my traumatic memories and remembering all of the wonderful people who were there to pull me through, in all types of ways.
Continue reading “There are always good people around”
This is wildly off-topic for this blog. But in a way it isn’t cos I do have C-PTSD cos of SOME men. But honestly I’m so fucking exhausted and I wanna talk to you.
Continue reading “This is just for the men”
I’ve been diagnosed with Common Variable Immunodeficiency (CVID) for over three years now and I’ve noticed something that no doctors or nurses have ever warned me about.
Something that happens to me so consistently, I’m not really sure why there isn’t, at the very least, a brochure handed to me to help me out when I go through it.
And that is, how bloody hard it is to cope with medication, treatment, or health management changes. Continue reading “Coping with medication and treatment changes – the 5 stages of grief”
Content warning: Mentions of physical and mental illness and unintentional weight loss
As of next Monday I’m taking my work hours down to 20 hours a week for the foreseeable future.
I’m a 31yo, upbeat, fairly healthy looking woman who works out several times a week, is smart and driven and loves my job.
So why am I cutting down my work hours?
Continue reading “Why the 40 hour work week doesn’t work for me any more”
Content warning: Mention of eating disorders, death, dying, miscarriages, mental and physical illness.
This is a post as much directed toward me as it is written by me for others….
I cried on Christmas day.
It felt rude. It felt ungrateful. It felt like an overreaction. It felt self-pitying. Continue reading “It’s ok to cry on Christmas day”
Content warning: post-traumatic stress disorder
It’s Mental Health Awareness Week in New Zealand, and what better time to have a good old-fashioned PTSD relapse than the Sunday night leading into it.
Well, at least it makes for good blog material!
So I have a mental illness called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and I know you look at me and go – but Charlie… you hate war! How the hell did you get PTSD?! Continue reading “My PTSD is ugly and scary, but it’s ok”