TO SWAP: One body, one female owner 30 years, few defects

5″6′ 30-year-old female body for swap.

Swaps only. This body is not for sale.

Mixed race; NZ/Scottish and Cook Island Maori. Short, brunette hair, hazel eyes and olive skin. Fairly athletic looking build (if you go swim laps, people will think you know what you’re doing).

Minimal hip-to-waist ratio – apparently not ideal shape for females, I’ve never seen evidence of this. Fit through small gaps, suitors not repulsed.

Not unattractive, but apparently past prime. Rated a 6/10 (8/10 with makeup) by unsolicited comments from men circa 2014 – allow for depreciation.

Regular periods, minimal cramps. Fairly decent metabolism if able to exercise regularly, but acne doesn’t match expectations of a 30-year-old adult.

Small breasts – great if you like bralettes, not having men stare at your chest, and jumping on trampolines. “Good pins” according to some, and a “nicely shaped bottom” for a “thin girl” according to a single-date Tinder boy who “wanted to bite it” (currently less bite-able due to dramatic, unhealthy weight loss – see below).

Tans well, minimal burning if SPF 30 applied properly. Monobrow and moustache easily rectified by regular waxing. Benefit from hairiness in way of long eyelashes – can cause female jealousy by wearing mascara.

Other features include:

  • Primary immune deficiency – 4-weekly hospital visits appear to keep body alive for now.
  • Constant fear of illness, expectation of worsening issues with age.
  • Allowed special prescriptions to antibiotics, also get fast access to A&E and hospital quarantine rooms.
  • Above average lung function in Bronchiectasis-damaged lungs (daily maintenance required to avoid infection and stay out of hospital).
  • Annoying sinuses which love to be infected. Require tissues around at all time. Regular maintenance avoids infections.
  • Duplex kidney (no clear benefit of this other than prone to UTIs).
  • Immune deficiency related gut issues – recent dramatic weight loss – currently worryingly skinny, but sometimes will also look pregnant from bloating. Some food-related pain from cramps, low-key diarrhoea, regular haemorrhoids and on/off fear of sh***ing self. This issue may pass, or not.
  • Inability to happily drink beer, eat dairy, onion or garlic or anything delicious. Possible to do so then regret it though.
  • Likeable enough personality. Very much liked by narcissists.
  • PTSD and panic attacks a couple of times a year (give or take).
  • Low-level anxiety caused by constant bad physical and mental health could result in impending breakdown.

However, unhealthy coping mechanisms do appear to help above. Try out constant busy-ness, over-working, busy social life, drinking alcohol, emotional eating, or talking about self in third person.

Comes with all the tools to keep body running in a fairly high-functioning way; free nebuliser, Intragam-P, immunologist, gastroenterologist, therapist, respiratory specialist, a really nice doctor, supportive friends and family and lovely boyfriend.

No guarantees or swap backs. Serious swappers only.

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