It’s Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and, ironically, I’m too busy dealing with current and past sexual assault issues to write about it properly. How’s that for life being classic.
So instead of that, I thought I’d write about something entirely different until I have the mental space to post about the topics I’m wanting to talk about.
Sometimes (often), I write blogs, then they become almost immediately irrelevant as soon as I post them.
I think when I admit to myself and the world something that I feel or believe is an issue I have, I can then move past it.
Acceptance and all that I guess? You can’t fix a problem until you admit you have one.
Which is great news that I feel this way about my last blog that I called “Why no one should date me“, cos that was like a tell-all about my awful attachment styles, and my abandonment issues/awful taste in men.
That, by the way, so many fucking people read – guys, your schadenfreude is next level. Try reading more of my nicer content sometimes 😂
Don’t get me wrong, still no one should date me, but I’ll tell you now, that something about posting that has pulled some perspective for me and anyone that I was subtly, not subtly, alluding to has now basically become irrelevant in my little brain and I think my standards are rising.
At the ripe old age of 33, I’ve suddenly realised that my bar for men is so low that it’s sitting at the earth’s core and that’s so embarrassing for past me.
But I forgive her.
She was pretty badly conditioned by literally everything in her whole upbringing, high school, media, and generally society as a whole.
Note, that when I say men, I mean #notallmen, but honestly, most of them – don’t get it twisted. The bar is definitely that low.
There are some good ones and I am lucky enough to have a couple of guys that I consider amongst my best friends. But this is a love letter specifically to women and myself 😘
2021 has been my year for amazing women.
I’m attracting the best, most absolutely, incredible, beautiful, intelligent, strong, powerful, honest, vulnerable and generally remarkable women.
I’ve never been so grateful for women in my whole life.
My standard of life is increasing. My support network has fortified in the most eye-opening way. The way I’m spoken to is with appreciation, compliments, general kindness, and with honesty, tough love and understanding.
The mutuality I’m amongst in our love and support for each other sits with a level of acceptance I’m not used to.
It’s wild that I used feel I was “not like the other girls” and think that women brought drama and that I generally preferred to be friends with men.
My girls have experienced a lifetime of pain and trauma that I don’t think a lot of men I know (in general) can even imagine.
But somehow they’re the ones with the smiles on their faces, that hug you when you cry and hold your pain even though they already have their own on their shoulders.
They won’t run from your discomfort, they won’t shut down emotionally, or get defensive, they won’t try fix you. They’ll be there for you and just exist with you.
Then they’ll hype you up and tell you what you deserve in the world.
So I’m taking this mentality and applying it to how I treat myself, and my expectations for what I deserve in the world.
Because I am one of those women.
I am beautiful, and amazing, and powerful, and intelligent, and I’d drop anything in my life to support ANYONE who needs me if I’m able to.
I care a LOT. I pour so much energy and thought into others, even when I’m struggling with my own shit.
I’ll hype my girls up any day of the week, because they deserve it and I will tell them how strongly I feel about them and how gorgeous and thoughtful and incredible they are.
I can be a pretty great friend. A flawed one, but still pretty great nonetheless.
As a girlfriend, I’m thoughtful and I anticipate my partner’s needs and feelings. I make space for their problems, and I’m also there for fun and enjoyment.
I let my partner be the mess that they are and I won’t judge them for their issues. I consider them in everything I do, in planning for the future. I help them with their work issues, their friend issues, their communication fallouts with others. I get on with their friends and family.
I’ll help them reframe their negative self-perception into something positive – closer to how I see them.
Historically, in general, they’ve taken what I give for granted and don’t have the capacity to reciprocate to the level I need. Even when I ask specifically for it.
Which I get, if you don’t have the capacity, you don’t have the capacity. The end.
But I deserve so much.
I deserve as much as I think the women in my life deserve.
And I think they deserve the fucking entire world.
So imagine me being out here, letting mediocre men live rent-free in my head when they don’t have the capacity to bring a fraction of what I do to the table.
They might be attractive. They might be charismatic. They might bring a certain je ne sais quoi (which, let’s be honest, is probably their unprocessed baggage that is intriguing to my empathic side).
And it’s nice having objectively cool men give me validation.
But they’re still wildly average as soon as I compare them to my female friends who are literal goddesses.
And these men are barely house-trained.
The emotional understanding and capacity is that of a teacup compared to the the ocean my ladies bring to me.
It’s the patriarchy, I get it. The level of repression and “not being allowed” to have feelings is a serious issue for men. But work on it!
That’s the shit that hurts everyone, and ends up with men abusing women and manipulating them into becoming their secondary mothers and therapists.
If mediocre men have the audacity to play stupid games with amazing women, why shouldn’t I have the audacity to think that I deserve better than that?
Don’t get me wrong, I love men. I have a father and a brother. Some of my closest friends are men. I’ve exclusively been in relationships with men.
And I’m sure I’ll continue to date them, cos I am doomed to my inherent attraction to them.
But I’m raising my bar. I’m not playing with games, cos I don’t need games. I’m not playing with mediocre, cos I deserve better.
I don’t even want a relationship or monogamy so I don’t even understand the need for anything other than openness and honesty.
And hey, if you’re one of those mediocre guys who I’ve been keeping around, feel free to bring some openness and honesty to the table and we can talk.
I’ve come to a realisation that I think the reason that my bisexual self only dates men is that is my standards are too low.
The bar is so low, it’s in Hades.
It’s like I think I don’t deserve women, only men.
Women are so attractive, and smart, and emotionally connected, they intimidate the hell out of me. Being rejected by a woman sounds a million times worse than being rejected by a man.
And I think that dating women would require a level of self-love that I have been so scared to extend to myself for so long. Which is wild to me as I feel I have pretty solid self-esteem and confidence in general.
To stand out to women in the dating pool, I’d have to present myself as a whole human, not just a hottie with a brain and a booty on her.
How vulnerable and terrifying to be fully seen.
But here we go, trying to exist in the world with the belief that I deserve the life that I believe my female friends deserve.
Accepting the type of love that the women in my life give me just for existing every day. The type of love that has never been fully platonic from most men, even with my closest (straight) guy mates.
Eek, it’s over for the mediocre guys who don’t want to improve, when the women in their lives realise their value.
Women are so strong in a way I can barely comprehend, and I love it so much.
I’m so strong in a way that I cannot comprehend. And I love myself for how far I’ve come through so much shit.
This is a love letter for the ladies, but men, you can come on the journey too.
You might need to start working on yourselves too. Can I recommend therapy as a starting point? Not using free emotional labour from the women in your life, actual therapy.
I’ll see you there ☺️